Men from TORCHWOOD
by milady dragon
Summary: Between alien interference, overprotective uncles, well-meaning teammates, and a disastrous stag do, how do Jack and Ianto cope with the events leading up to their CP?  Prequel to "Torchwood Blues" and crossover with "Man from U.N.C.L.E."
1. The UNCLE at the Train Station Affair

The Men from TORCHWOOD

Author: Milady Dragon

Disclaimer: I don't own either Torchwood or Man from U.N.C.L.E. but I think they look nice together.

Author's note: This is a prequel to my story Torchwood Blues. In that story, Jack and Ianto have had a CP for over a year, and this tells the story of the events leading up to it. Now, since this is based in that particular universe, certain things are different than they would be in canon: Gwen didn't break the Retcon in "Everything Changes"; Owen isn't dead; and Diane Holmes didn't leave in "Out of Time" and is, in fact, in Torchwood, as is Tish Jones, Martha's sister. If you were going by canon timeline, this story does take place leading up to "Something Borrowed", although with different celebrants.

And...it's also a crossover with Man from U.N.C.L.E., because I think Ianto Jones being related to spies is fun. It's also returning me to one of my first fandoms, although I hadn't written in it previously. Hope you enjoy!

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**Chapter One**

**The U.N.C.L.E. at the Train Station Affair**

The train from London to Cardiff was on time, much to Illya Kuryakin's relief.

There had been a time when he'd loved to travel. He'd spent a majority of his employment as Section Two, Number Two for the United Network Command for Law and Enforcement traveling all over the globe, putting himself in danger for the safety of the world. And, when he'd retired from the field and had begun his own business, he'd traveled quite frequently in order to build up his international clientele.

But now, as he was hitting the middle of his fifties, his company had gained worldwide notoriety, and he had many able people to take over for him, Illya found himself ready to step back and simply enjoy his life.

For some reason, that enjoyment didn't include any sort of train or plane or ship transport. He preferred to stay in London, where the main branch of his fashion design house, Vanya's, was based, living with his long-time partner, Napoleon Solo, and reveling in his need to do nothing more than to relax into his late middle age…because he flatly refused to refer to it as anything else. He'd broken the nose of one person who's referred to him as a senior citizen.

He'd done the one thing he'd never thought he'd done: he'd settled down. And, to think…there had been a time when he'd believed that he'd never live to the point where he could, in fact, do that very thing.

He was traveling today, though, for family. There was no way he was going to miss his only nephew's Civil Partnership, not when he'd almost lost track of the boy after that disaster that had been Canary Wharf. Illya didn't have enough family to be losing one member. He wasn't about to do anything to risk his relationship with his sister's son. He just wished that Natalya had lived to see this day.

Of course, it helped that he'd had company on this trip. But then, Napoleon wasn't about to miss the festivities, either. Not when he loved Illya's nephew as much as his blood uncle did.

"I can't remember the last time we were in Cardiff," his partner said, as they made their way down the platform. There wasn't much of a crowd, being the middle of the day and on a Tuesday.

"I believe it was for Mica's birth, Napoleon," Illya answered, hitching the strap of his laptop case onto a more comfortable position on his shoulder.

"You're right, of course." Napoleon had his own laptop case with him, but he carried his in his hand, not wanting his suit jacket to get wrinkled. "And now, our nephew is getting married."

Illya felt a warmth spread through him at Napoleon saying 'our nephew'. There had been a time when his partner hadn't wanted to assume, but that had been before what was left of Illya's family had accepted Napoleon into their admittedly small circle. "I'm not so certain of this Captain Harkness," Illya replied.

"It can't be because he's Ianto's boss," Napoleon scoffed. "If that were true, then you and I would never have gotten together."

Illya waved his hand in dismissal. Napoleon had been his direct superior in U.N.C.L.E., as well as his working partner long before their relationship had gotten much more intimate, all those years ago. "No, but you have seen what we've managed to dig up on him." He didn't elaborate, not wanting to speak out in even the sketchy crowd at the station. He'd been a spy long enough to know that it took just one person to overhear a secret to make it common knowledge.

The first thing they'd done, of course, was to check into their nephew's chosen partner; still having contacts in the spy game meant they could find out pretty much anything. And Illya had been concerned at what they'd discovered.

"I have," Napoleon answered. "He's quite good looking. I have to say, Ianto has excellent taste in men. Almost as good as yours."

The Russian rolled his eyes. "I flatly refuse to stroke your ego."

"Then maybe you wouldn't mind stroking – "

"Napoleon!" Honestly, the man had the tact of a bulldozer. "We'll discuss that later on."

"I hope so…oh, I think our ride is here."

Illya turned in the direction Napoleon indicated, hoping to see his nephew. Instead it was a small woman with dark skin, holding up a sign that said 'KURYAKIN-SOLO' printed neatly on it in black marker. He tried to stifle the sigh of disappointment, but his partner noticed.

"You know he would have been here if he could have," Napoleon said. "Something must have come up."

Illya was well aware of just who his nephew worked for. Torchwood had had a certain reputation among the intelligence community, and Illya had objected to his nephew working for them at first, because he'd hoped that Ianto would have joined U.N.C.L.E. instead and to follow in his footsteps. Instead, he'd been recruited right out of University to a position in Torchwood London, before any other agency could get to him. Illya had tried to talk him out of it, but he should have known better. Ianto Gareth Jones was just as stubborn as Illya's sister Natalya had been.

And, when Canary Wharf had reduced the Torchwood Institute to an outpost in Cardiff and the main Archive in Glasgow, Illya had thought that Ianto would have had enough, and would have come to him for help. Instead, the young man had gotten a job at Torchwood Three, despite all the hell that had happened to him.

Of course, it hadn't been until much later that Illya and Napoleon had found out about Lisa. To be honest, Illya hadn't been all that impressed with the young woman the one time he'd met her, but Ianto had loved her…apparently enough to risk the world to save her. Ianto had called him during his suspension, and Illya had arranged for him to come to London to stay with him and Napoleon. They'd gotten the entire story from him then.

From the rant he'd gotten from Rhiannon, his niece hadn't been happy that her only brother hadn't called _her_ about it first, since he'd been in Cardiff and much closer to her. The problem with that was Rhiannon simply wasn't privy to the secrets that Ianto was, and there had only been two people he could have turned to over the affair. Illya's and Napoleon's security clearances were still very much valid, and Ianto had been able to confide everything to them. Rhiannon didn't even know that their mother had once been KGB, the same as Illya before being transferred to U.N.C.L.E. As far as she knew, Natalya Kuryakin had been an assistant to the Russian Embassy in London until she'd married Daffyd Jones, their father; and that Lisa had been in some sort of coma after the Battle of Canary Wharf…which Rhiannon believed had been some sort of terrorist attack.

So much had changed since that broken young man had arrived on their doorstep…and now, Ianto was having a Civil Partnership…with his boss. Illya just hoped the man deserved Ianto's love.

"I think you're waiting for us," Napoleon said as they approached the young woman. If they'd still been in the spy business, they would have been very wary of walking up to a complete stranger. But those days were long over, and the only attention that Illya got anymore from people who either wanted a job, or who wanted him to design something for them. And since he'd stepped back except for Fashion Week, when it was necessary for him to appear at shows, those were both much fewer and far between.

The young lady smiled. "Hi," she greeted them. "I'm Tish. Tish Jones. Ianto asked me to come and collect you. He told me it was fine to let you know that the team got called out on an emergency. Since I'm not a field agent, I get to play taxi service." She seemed nice and genuinely pleased to meet them as she dropped one side of the sign and held out her hand to them.

"Nice to meet you, Tish Jones," Napoleon said, turning the hand and pressing a light kiss to the back. "I'm the Solo half of that sign: Napoleon Solo. The quiet one is Illya Kuryakin." He returned her smile, cranking up the Solo charm.

Illya took her hand after Napoleon was done with it. "I'm quite able to introduce myself," he snarked. "Please excuse my partner, but if I were any less an Atheist I wouldn't hesitate to say that he thinks he's God's gift, as it were."

Tish rolled her eyes good-naturedly. "Thanks for the warning. But, if I can handle Jack, I think I can handle Mr. Solo."

The Russian liked her already; she wasn't one to have her head turned by Napoleon's antics. Although that didn't shed a good light on Ianto's fiancé, if he was worse. "We have baggage and a couple of cases that need to be collected, but then we'll be ready to go."

The young woman nodded. "Why don't you do that, and I'll pull the car up? That way we don't have to carry anything very far."

"We'll meet you outside then, Ms Jones," Napoleon answered gallantly.

She grinned. "It's Tish, please. I'll be back in a sec."

They watched as she walked away. "I wonder if the rest of Torchwood is that pretty," Napoleon mused.

Illya barely managed to keep from elbowing him in the ribs for that comment.

* * *

It didn't take long to get the car loaded – actually, it was a black Range Rover with the word 'Torchwood" rather ostentatiously emblazoned on the front fender panels – and to be on the way to the St. David's, where Ianto had gotten them reservations. Illya had been grateful for it, not really wanting to stay with Rhiannon and her husband and children. Well, David and Mica were all right, but Johnny could be a bit of an idiot…

"I have to admit," Tish said, as she pulled into traffic, "I've been looking forward to meeting you both ever since Ianto said you were coming."

"Oh?" Napoleon prompted. He'd taken the front seat, while Illya was in the back…drooling over the high-tech equipment that Torchwood obviously had access to. Just because he'd gone into fashion design, didn't mean he'd lost his appreciation of computers and technology. He kept up with all the serious science journals.

Tish nodded. "He's said nothing but good things about both of you. He's really proud of you, you know."

Illya smiled slightly. "We're proud of him, too. We wouldn't miss his getting this Civil Partnership for anything."

"He's so nervous about it, but he's trying really hard not to show it. Apparently Torchwood has bad luck, where marriages are concerned."

"What do you mean?" Napoleon asked.

"Well, from what Jack's said, anytime someone from Torchwood has tried to get married, things…happen." She flicked her eyes into the rearview mirror, catching Illya's eye. "You know, with alien invasions or the world ending, that sort of thing. Jack's trying to keep him from worrying, but nothing seems to be working. I think he's hoping that, with you two here, Ianto will feel a bit better."

"We'll do our best." His nephew's concerns made sense. U.N.C.L.E. had been very much aware of Torchwood in its time, and it could be inferred that aliens didn't take the same holidays or special occasions as human beings did. The annual London Christmas Invasion was a prime example. "But Tish…what can you tell us about this Jack? Ianto has been very sketchy in the details."

Illya could feel Napoleon's eyes rolling, and didn't care. He just wanted to make certain Ianto wasn't making a mistake in marrying a man who seemed to be even more of a lothario than Napoleon had ever been. Not to mention the immortality thing…which Illya was certain he wasn't supposed to know about, but his sources at U.N.C.L.E. had been very thorough in their research of his possible future nephew.

The young woman laughed. "Ianto warned me you might try to pump me for information, you know."

"He wouldn't be my nephew otherwise." Illya was actually a little put out that Ianto had said anything about it.

Tish's eyes smiled at him from the mirror. "Jack is…Jack. He's incorrigible and gorgeous and probably the biggest flirt you'll ever meet…but he's also a hero. And I mean that. What he's done to save this planet, you'd never believe. But, more than that…he loves Ianto. I wish I'll be able to meet someone who loves me only half as much some day. I don't know if that answers your question, but that's how I feel."

No, it really wasn't, because while Tish had touted the man's heroism and his intense feelings for his nephew, he was still disturbed by the fact that he was apparently a determined flirt. And yes, he'd accepted that in Napoleon, but there still had been times when his partner's behavior had bothered Illya. They'd gotten past it, but if one couldn't respect their partner…Illya hoped that this wouldn't be the case with his nephew. After everything Ianto had been through, he deserved to be happy.

He'd have to keep an eye on this Jack Harkness.

And, if he proved to be wrong for his nephew…then, Illya might not be able to kill the man permanently, but he knew enough former spies that he could make the man's very long life a hell.


	2. The Reunion Affair

The Men from TORCHWOOD

Author: Milady Dragon

Disclaimer: I don't own anything here, except for certain familial relationships, which make more sense than they should

Author's note: Thanks to everyone who have read, reviewed, and added to alerts and favorites. The response was pretty overwhelming. So, here is the second chapter...hope you like!

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**Chapter Two**

**The Reunion Affair**

Ianto Jones stood outside the hotel room he'd reserved for his uncles, an odd sense of nervousness eating at him and keeping him from knocking.

It wasn't that he didn't want to see either his Uncle Illya or his Uncle Napoleon. They'd really been there for him after Lisa, and they'd helped him face some truths that he'd been denying at the time. If he had to be completely honest, Ianto didn't think he'd be currently engaged to Jack if it hadn't been for his uncles. God only knew where he and Jack would be right now, if it hadn't been pointed out to him that, sometimes, things had to be done that seemed wrong at the time but turned out to be for the best…those talks had allowed him to completely forgive Jack, and to accept that Lisa had been gone when the rest of the team had taken out the Cyberman wearing her face.

No, Ianto wasn't wanting to avoid them. He adored both men, and had missed them, even though he'd kept in contact as much as he could…which they both understood, knowing what Torchwood was. He also knew that they'd accepted him for who he was; in fact, it had been their example that had made Ianto entering into a relationship with Jack that much easier.

He just couldn't pinpoint the reason for his unease. Straightening his tie, Ianto took the bull by the horns and knocked. He chalked it up to the massive case of pre-ceremony jitters he'd been having for weeks and let it go.

The door opened, revealing his Uncle Napoleon. "Ianto!" the older man greeted, reaching out and pulling Ianto into a fierce hug. "It's good to see you."

Ianto returned the hug, grinning. While his two uncles had never made their relationship official, he still thought of Napoleon Solo as a relative.

He pulled back. Napoleon hadn't changed much in the little over a year since he'd last seen him. There might have been a bit more silver in his dark hair than before, but the same brown eyes smiled at him from a handsome face. Napoleon's retirement from the spy business had made him a bit more sedentary, and he'd put on a little extra weight, but he really was still the same man who'd come with his Uncle Illya and visit Ianto's parents on infrequent holidays. Ianto liked to think he'd gotten his sartorial taste from his Uncle Napoleon; he'd been the first man he'd met who wore a suit like it was meant to be worn. Even Ianto's Tad had been impressed by how Napoleon Solo looked in a well-cut jacket and trousers.

Napoleon ushered him into the room. "Illya's almost ready – "

"I was actually ready before you, Napoleon."

Ianto turned toward the voice. His other uncle, Illya Kuryakin, stood in the bathroom doorway, dressed in a black shirt and trousers. He hadn't changed, either; his dark blond hair was still slightly longer than was stylish, and his blue eyes glittered behind silver wire-rimmed glasses.

The former spy moved forward, enveloping Ianto into a rough hug. It didn't last long, but then Illya wasn't a tactile sort.

He pulled away, his eyes examining Ianto closely. He would have fidgeted, if he wasn't already used to his uncle's ways. "I'm sorry I couldn't meet you at the station," he said, ignoring the scrutiny, "but there was a Rift spike in Roath. The clean-up took a bit longer than we thought it would." A rather large piece of junk had landed in the back garden of a pensioner who'd insisted that they remove it at once…and then made it as difficult as possible to do so. The elderly gentleman had flirted with Diane, beat Owen about the head with his cane, and once he'd noticed Jack's RAF coat had decided that he'd needed to tell the most gruesome war stories imaginable, which Jack had felt the need to one-up. The only reason they'd finally gotten anything done was due to the Retcon-laced tea Ianto had made; they'd gotten the strangely-shaped object out of the garden once the man had been put to bed with a head full of false memories. Tosh's giggles through the comms during the entire affair had made Owen even tetchier than usual, which meant the medic took it out on Ianto, as was his wont. It was the threat of being on decaf for the rest of his life that finally got him to shut up.

"That's fine," Napoleon answered. "The chauffeur you sent us was quite lovely."

"Did you flirt with her?"

"I tried, but she wasn't impressed. I think I'm losing my touch…"

More like Tish was so used to Jack's ways that Napoleon didn't have a chance. "And I suppose you tried to inveigle information out of her?"

"Well, Illya did. But you know what he's like."

Illya rolled his eyes. "I have to get my information some way, since my nephew has been so tight-lipped about everything."

Ianto felt the barb, but shrugged it off. He'd been purposely vague about Jack; he wanted his family to know him on his own merits, and not through Ianto's own preconceived notions. He loved Jack, and he could be honest with himself and say he was totally biased. "You'll get to meet him tonight," he assured both men. "He would have come with me now, but the bloody Prime Minister called." Usually Ianto himself fielded such calls, but Jack had been adamant about his going to visit with his uncles.

"I take it you don't like the man?" Napoleon smirked knowingly.

The younger man rolled his eyes. "The man's an arse, Uncle Napoleon. I'm just glad I didn't vote for him. Neither did Jack, for that matter." Brian Green was a smarmy bastard who only looked out for himself. He made Ianto wish to have Harriet Jones back, even though she was before his time at Torchwood Three. He knew Jack missed her, despite the fact that she'd gotten on the bad side of the Doctor. "I'd much rather deal with Lizzie. At least she appreciates what we do."

Both men looked confused, and then it seemed to hit Illya. "Lizzie…are you referring to the Queen of England?"

Ianto nodded. "We invited her to the CP, but she won't be able to make it. I think she's sending a representative, though."

"And you actually call her Lizzie?"

"Not to her face…" Well, Jack did, and she didn't seem to mind. But then, his fiancé had the charm to get away with that sort of thing.

"That's a shame," Napoleon drawled. "I would have loved to have met her."

"You most likely would have flirted shamelessly with her," Illya accused. "I think perhaps it's a good thing that she's not attending."

Napoleon put a hand to his heart dramatically. "You wound me, Illya! You know I only have eyes for you!"

Ianto barely hid his grin. He loved his uncles, especially when they teased each other. Anyone else would have thought that Uncle Illya was genuinely upset, but he knew different. This was how they were, and it was fun to watch the sniping.

"So," Illya turned from baiting his partner, "are you going to tell us any more about this man you're going to make it official with?"

Of course, Ianto had expected the third degree, but was determined to hold up under the pressure. "As I said, you'll meet him tonight. Then you can judge for yourself."

His uncle didn't look happy about being put off. He crossed his arms, staring his nephew down. Ianto wondered just how many THRUSH agents had folded under that gaze and had given up whatever top secret information they'd had.

Ianto, however, was family, and was quite familiar with his uncle's powers of persuasion. Besides, he'd faced down Daleks, Cybermen, and a sex- and caffeine-starved Jack Harkness. He wasn't about to crumble under the pressure. He crossed his own arms, and returned the stare.

Napoleon laughed. "He's certainly your blood, Illya. Even the 'Kuryakin Glare of Death' is the same!"

A smile pulled at Illya's mouth, and gave up the intimidation as a lost cause. Ianto returned the almost-smile with a smirk of his own. He'd often been told that he more closely resembled the Russian side of the family, rather than the Welsh, and it secretly pleased him. He'd even played with the idea of dyeing his hair blond, like his mother's and his uncle's, but good sense had prevailed.

"All the better to stare down recalcitrant aliens and horny fiancés with," Ianto quipped, smirk sliding into an easy grin.

"You know," Napoleon said, "I'm not so sure we're supposed to know that our nephew has a sex life."

"That's too bad. I could tell you stories – "

"Please, no," Illya said, holding a hand up to stop Ianto's next statement. "I have no wish to know anything about how you spend your private time."

"Besides," Ianto went on, "isn't it the other way around? I'm not supposed to know that my elders have a sex life? Although, that was blown that one Christmas you came to visit and Rhi and I caught you both in Tad's study – "

"Ianto Gareth Jones!" Illya snapped, his face going red.

Napoleon laughed. "Oh God, I remember that! What were you…eight?"

"Nine, actually."

"And already way too smart for your own good. I still want to know how you knew so much about what Illya and I were doing…"

"Mam was fond of Harlequin romances, and so was Rhi. I got into them at a very early age, although they didn't quite prepare me for finding my favorite uncles naked on the sofa."

Illya tried to look forbidding, but the blush ruined it. Napoleon kept laughing, and Ianto had to join him. He didn't mention that, for about thirty seconds, he'd thought the two men had been angry and were wrestling with each other, since his mother's romance novels didn't run to gay porn. He could still remember Rhi giggling like crazy, and both his uncles struggling to cover themselves. "You're lucky Rhi didn't tell our parents," he chuckled. "She was going to, but I talked her out of it."

"We'd have been barred from the house forever," Napoleon snorted. "Daffyd may have accepted me into the family, but he was quite a stickler about us not having sex in the same house as you kids."

Ianto's laughter faded. His Tad had been pretty rough on him, especially after Mam had died. He hadn't seen much of either of his uncles after the funeral, and he'd always suspected it had been because his father hadn't been all that comfortable with them being around. This just added to that belief. "That doesn't surprise me," he said. "Tad was a bit…straitlaced."

"Don't get me wrong," Napoleon hastened to say, "Daffyd was a good man, and he loved your mother very much. I just think there were certain things that went over his head, and it wasn't because he was an idiot or anything. People just don't understand the background your mother and uncle came from, and he was willing to brush it aside, and pretend it didn't exist. Why do you think he forbade us to mention we worked for U.N.C.L.E.?"

"Rhi still doesn't know," Ianto replied.

"And we're fine with that," Illya answered. "Although you put two and two together rather quickly."

The young man shrugged. "It was the gadgets. You two had the best things…especially those pen communicators. I asked Mam about it, and she explained. Tad wasn't happy about it, but she said I'd deserved to know. She wasn't about to lie to me about it." He sighed. "I wish she was here. I wish they were both here."

"I'm certain it helped that, even at an early age, you were a James Bond fan," Illya added.

"Still am," Ianto admitted. "It drives Jack nuts."

"They'd be proud of you," his Russian uncle said. "Very proud…even if your father might not quite understand what you do."

That made Ianto chuckle once more. "If he had an issue with you two having sex, can you imagine what he might've thought if he'd ever seen an alien?"

"Do you think we might get to see one while we're in town?" Napoleon almost sounded like a little kid looking forward to a really neat toy.

"This is Cardiff," Ianto answered, rolling his eyes. "I'd be very surprised if you _didn't_."


	3. The Meeting the InLaws Affair

The Men from TORCHWOOD

Author: Milady Dragon

Disclaimer: Neither Torchwood nor Man from U.N.C.L.E. are mine, no matter how much I might wish otherwise

Author's Note: Next chapter! And we get to see how things go when Jack meets the Uncles...

Thanks for everyone who has reviewed and alerted and added to favorites. Hope you all continue to be entertained!

**

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Chapter Three**

**The Meeting the In-Laws Affair**

Jack Harkness loitered outside _Jean-Pierre's_, straightening an already straight tie and trying to get his nerves under control.

He'd been less worried about meeting Ianto's sister and her family; after all, Rhiannon had already known about them, from some snoopy neighbor who'd seen him and Ianto eating in this very restaurant, and Jack's charm had seen him through their first face-to-face meeting. But these were the Uncles – and he capitalized the title in his own mind – and for Ianto they were the two Jack had to be on his best behavior for. There were very few people on this planet that his fiancé wanted the high opinion of…and two of those were currently in the restaurant with the younger man.

Jack was desperate to make a good impression.

Which was why he was wearing a suit.

He'd had to have Toshiko help him with the tie, while suffering Owen's pointed barbs about whipped Captains. Diane and Tish had remained quiet, and Jack wasn't sure if that was necessarily a good thing, since they could've been plotting anything. He didn't trust any of his team not to try to take the piss.

Luckily he'd managed to leave the Hub without too much trouble. He was glad he'd thought to take his clothes with him, in case anything happened; Brian Green had been his usual strident self, and it had taken all Jack had not to jump down the phone line and strangle the man. Just why he thought it would be a good idea to include Torchwood business in Cabinet meetings he'd never know…

He wondered if Green knew what "outside the Government" actually meant. Maybe he'd have a talk with Lizzie, ask her if she could get him to back off. Jack also wanted to talk to her about expanding Torchwood, so he could kill two birds with one stone…

That thought distracted him for about naught point two seconds.

Jack couldn't remember the last time he'd felt like this. He'd always been content to be himself, and not worry about what anyone thought of him. But this was Ianto, and he didn't want to do anything that would alienate his lover from his family. He hadn't even considered being long-term with anyone since Lucia, and even then he'd known it wouldn't last even as Lucia had been carrying Melissa. No, his relationship with Ianto was something new for him, and he didn't intend to wreck it before it had a chance to begin.

That meant he had to be accepted by two of the most important men in Ianto's life.

Gods, Jack hadn't been this nervous in _years_.

He straightened his shoulders and pulled the door to the restaurant open.

Jack and Ianto weren't exactly regulars at _Jean-Pierre's_, but they'd been there enough that the maitre'd recognized him. The man smiled, then led him to the table already occupied by Ianto and his uncles.

Ianto immediately stood to greet him with a chaste kiss. The light press of lips calmed Jack considerably, and he was able to smile and greet each man as Ianto introduced them.

He knew the stories, of course. Ianto had clued him in on his uncles not long after the Lisa debacle, when Ianto had come back to work after his suspension. At first Jack had been concerned that Ianto had shared Torchwood information with civilians; but once Jack knew they'd been top agents with U.N.C.L.E. he'd been fine with them knowing.

As he shook hands with Napoleon Solo, Jack got the distinct impression that he'd met the man before.

Both men impressed Jack. They were each handsome, one dark and the other light. He could see the family resemblance between Ianto and his Uncle Illya – Ianto had inherited the older man's blue eyes and pale skin. His imagination threw up a picture of Ianto with blond hair…and stalled. He pushed that image down before he could get carried away with it. The last thing he needed was to get half-hard with future family at the same table.

The four men sat down. "I'm sorry about being late," Jack said.

"Ianto explained," Napoleon answered. "I hope your phone call turned out all right?"

Jack found himself relaxing a little. "Not really, sir. But I'm sure it'll work out."

The other man smiled. "Please don't call me sir. I've been retired too long for that sort of thing. It's Napoleon."

"Jack." He relaxed even more. Maybe this wasn't going to be so bad after all…

But then he got a look at the calculating expression on Illya's face, and for a split second feared for his immortal life.

Any interrogation – and Jack didn't fool himself, that was what this was going to be – was postponed by the arrival of their server, who took their orders for drinks. She left, giving them time to look at the menus, which Jack decided was a really good idea.

"The steamed mussels in vermouth is quite good here," Ianto suggested. "So is the chicken and mushroom crepes."

It was quiet for the time it took everyone to decide what they wanted; Jack stuck with his usual, the coq au vin with mushroom risotto. The server came back to take their orders, and Jack knew the questioning was about to begin. He took a swig of his water, suddenly wishing it was something stronger.

Illya opened his mouth to say something…

And was cut off by his partner.

"So," Napoleon said, "Ianto hasn't really told us anything about you, Jack. We'd really like to get to know the man who's swept our nephew off his feet."

It was in that moment, looking at the American seated across from him, that Jack knew these two had done some checking up on him. He'd suspected it, of course; it only made sense that they'd look into the man who wanted to become legal partners with their nephew. And, with their contacts within U.N.C.L.E. and the various intelligence agencies, there was no way of knowing just what they'd managed to dig up.

Plus, there was the notion that he'd met Napoleon Solo before. Jack got the distinct impression that the other man remembered it very well.

Jack leaned back in his chair, resting his arm over the back of Ianto's own seat, fingers absently playing with the seam at the shoulder of his fiancé's suit. He didn't want to appear nervous, but he had the feeling he was failing miserably. "And I'd like to get to know Ianto's two favorite uncles," he returned.

That answer was rewarded by a warm smile. "Maybe we should keep it safe for public consumption for now."

Which meant, of course, that there would come a time when more…sensitive…questions would be asked.

Their server brought over bread, and Jack was grateful for the distraction. He wanted so much to appear as the calm and carefree person that he usually was, but not even his past conman skills were helping him here. This initial meeting was important to Ianto, and that meant it was equally important to Jack that he get it right.

It took a lot of self control not to flirt with the rather attractive server, but Jack thought it would be worth it if it gave these men a good impression.

However, Ianto immediately noticed.

Jack could feel eyes on him as he and Napoleon chatted. Jack told the story of how he and Ianto had met – with some judicious editing – and how he'd been impressed by the young man's persistence in trying to get a job. He didn't add that, in retrospect, Ianto had been motivated by trying to save Lisa, but he already suspected that part of the story was already known. He was very careful about how he referred to their nephew, leaving out such things has how good he looked in those jeans he'd worn that night in the park, and how he'd wanted nothing more than to tear off the suit Ianto had had on when they'd captured Myfanwy. In fact, he was quite pleased that he managed to keep everything family friendly.

It was completely against his nature, but Ianto was worth it.

Apparently, Ianto disagreed.

"Would you excuse us, please?" he asked, once Jack had finished telling his story. Ianto grabbed the immortal by the elbow and pulled him up out of his seat. "Can I speak to you for a moment, Jack?" The tone of his voice was calm, but Jack could hear the underlying coldness in it.

Jack allowed Ianto to lead him toward the mens', where the younger man pushed him into the room, then checked under the stalls to make sure they were alone.

"Now," Ianto said, putting his back to the door so no one could walk in on them, "who are you, and what have you done with Jack Harkness?"

Jack was shocked by the confrontational manner of the question. "I don't know what you mean," he denied, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Jack…you called my uncle 'sir'!"

"I _can_ be respectful, you know!" Jack was hurt by the implication.

"You call the Queen 'Lizzie' – "

"So do you!"

"To her face?"

Jack conceded the point.

"You also cleaned up the story of our first meeting!"

"I'm supposed to tell them that I wanted to shag you senseless on the floor of that warehouse?"

"No…but praising my determination in getting a job isn't exactly what I thought you'd be praising!"

Jack looked at Ianto. His lover was visibly bothered by Jack's attempts at being respectful. "I'm trying to impress your family. Isn't that what you wanted?"

Ianto's eyes widened as the implication seemed to hit him. He sighed. "Jack…I love you for who you are: brash, loud, unashamedly flirtatious. _That_ is Captain Jack Harkness, not this…" He waved his hand up and down. "…this obsequious, polite, quiet…whoever you are! This isn't the person I want to spend the rest of my life with! Okay, the suit is hot, and I can't wait to rip it off you later…but you won't impress anyone if they think you're being false. And, I can assure you, that's exactly what they're thinking."

That gave Jack something to think about. "All right," he said. "I see your point. I just…was nervous, I guess. I didn't want them to think you were making the wrong decision…"

Ianto rolled his eyes. "Well, they aren't marrying you, are they? I know how you are, Jack. I know _who_ you are. And nothing is going to stop me from being with you."

Jack found himself pinning Ianto to the door, his lips and tongue taking possession of his lover's mouth. Ianto moaned into the kiss, hands grabbing the immortal by the hips and pulling him closer. He poured everything into it he could: his gratitude, his acceptance, and his love. This was the man who'd accepted him despite everything.

He completely lost track of time, until both men had to come up for air. Jack rested his forehead against Ianto's. "I really don't deserve you," he whispered.

"Yes, you do," Ianto answered. "You, above anyone, deserve happiness. And I'm going to spend the rest of my life doing the best to make you happy."

"You already do." Jack pulled away, very reluctantly. "I'm sorry."

"It's fine." Ianto straightened his jacket, where it had become bunched up between their bodies. "Now, are you ready to go out there and be yourself?"

"As ready as I'll ever be." Jack grinned, taking in Ianto's disheveled appearance. "You know, you look like you've been snogged to within an inch of your life."

"I wonder why," Ianto snorted. "At least this gives us a reason to have been away from the table for too long."

"Yeah. Just can't keep my hands off you, Jones."

That got him a sly smile. "Now, there's the Jack I know and love. Come on; let's get out of here. I'm starving."

"So am I. And not just for food."

Ianto smirked, as he opened the bathroom door. "Later, Jack. Now, my uncles. And it's fine to be nervous, but don't let that stop you from being yourself."

"Yes, sir."


	4. The Welcome to the Family Affair

The Men from TORCHWOOD

Author: Milady Dragon

Disclaimer: I don't own either Torchwood or Man from U.N.C.L.E. so please don't blame me for anything!

Author's Note: The next chapter is here. Sorry, I meant to get this posted yesterday, but you know how real life goes...Hope you enjoy it! Oh, and there's a bit of a spoiler for "The Dead Line" in it...

**

* * *

Chapter Four**

**The Welcome to the Family Affair**

Illya watched as Ianto dragged Jack away, to the accompaniment of Napoleon's laughter. He spun, pinning his partner with a sharp look. "What's so funny?"

Napoleon grinned. "I don't think I've ever seen anyone act so far out of character in order to impress someone. He must really have it bad for Ianto."

"I fail to see the humor in the situation."

"Of course you do! Come on…haven't you ever wanted to make such a good impression that you're willing to do anything to achieve it? Oh wait, I forgot this is you we're talking about."

His tone was light, but Illya took offense anyway. "I don't see the need to act beyond your character in order to get on a person's good side. Unless, of course, it's in the line of duty."

His partner shook his head. "Well, I think it's sweet."

"You're a hopeless romantic." Although he wouldn't admit it, Illya thought it showed that Jack was willing to do anything to please Ianto. He just didn't have to like it much.

"And you love me for it."

Illya couldn't help it; his face softened. "I do, yes."

Napoleon leaned forward, as if to kiss his partner; then pulled back, smirking. "I know how much you hate public displays."

"And you are a tease."

Any response Napoleon might have made was interrupted by their server, bringing their salads. The dark-haired man favored her with a flirtatious smile, and the woman returned it, blushing slightly.

After she was gone, the smile turned into a smirk. "I still got it."

Illya rolled his eyes, not knowing just how much he resembled his nephew with the expression. "Whatever it is, do not give it to me."

Napoleon laughed, spearing his salad with his fork.

Ianto and Jack returned just as they were finishing. Illya barely controlled his smirk as he got the first glimpse of his nephew and the captain; both looked flushed, and it was obvious just what they'd been getting up to in the mens' room.

He'd call it 'young love' but he had a pretty good guess just how old the other groom was.

"Sorry about that," Ianto apologized, taking his seat once more.

"Yeah, "Jack added, leering. "Ianto just can't control himself around me."

"I think you might have that the wrong way around, _sir_."

Illya's mouth almost dropped open at the sheer amount of sensuality dripping from that single word. This was from his nephew? And in a public place, no less! He'd have to have a talk with Napoleon about corrupting the young…or maybe that should be Jack he needed to speak to…

Jack was staring at him, his blue eyes darker. "What have I said about you calling me that?" he practically purred.

"What _haven't_ you said?" Ianto managed to look completely innocent.

"You have a point."

"Eat your salad, Jack."

"Yes, sir!" With a salute that managed to be both playful and salacious, Jack tucked into his salad as if it would jump up and escape if he didn't devour it fast enough.

The change in Jack Harkness was amazing to see. He went from near silent and polite, to loud and teasing, telling a story that Illya guessed was majorly edited in order to make it safe for public consumption. He had Napoleon snorting wine out of his nose at one point, and Ianto simply shook his head in disbelief as he handed his uncle a napkin to clean up with.

As he finished, the server came to collect their salad bowls, and to bring more bread and drinks. Napoleon gave Jack a look, and then asked innocently, "Have you heard anything from Stella Courtney lately?"

Jack choked on his water.

"Jack?" Ianto asked, slapping his fiancé on the back in an attempt to clear his airway.

"I-I don't know who you mean," the captain managed to splutter.

Napoleon looked smug. Illya didn't think he had the right to, because quite honestly he wanted to know who this Stella Courtney person was.

"I would have thought Stella would be pretty unforgettable," Napoleon went on. "Gorgeous, smart, a tiger in bed…"

Ah…an ex-lover. That explained why Illya didn't know her. He wasn't at all interested in his partner's affairs, either before they got together or those times when Napoleon would have had to use his powers of seduction in the course of a mission.

Jack narrowed his eyes. "And how was I supposed to have known this Stella person?"

"You and she were quite an item for about five weeks in 1973."

Illya was impressed that Jack didn't even bat an eyelid. "And I'm supposed to have been old enough to date in the 70's?"

The two men stared at each other. It was like watching a silent interrogation, and Illya wondered who would break first.

The chuckle from Ianto broke the stalemate. "You know."

"It wasn't that hard to figure out," Illya answered, bringing out the Kuryakin-Jones smirk.

Jack rolled his eyes, and the other man wondered if he'd gotten the expression from Ianto. "I'd love to know how you found out about me."

"There are records on you dating back several decades," Illya said, "if you know where to look."

"Can't be Torchwood…I got rid of those ages ago," Jack mused.

"UNIT then?" Ianto supplied.

"Must have been. I'm going to have to ask the Brigadier to clean those records out for me. He's about the only one I trust to do it."

"There's Martha."

"I don't consider Martha working for them. She's just on loan until I can get her here to Cardiff permanently."

Illya was a little confused by the exchange, and wasn't afraid to ask questions. "Martha?"

"Dr. Martha Jones," Ianto answered. "She's a very good friend of Jack's and mine. You'll meet her and her family before the ceremony."

"She saved the world," Jack said solemnly. "Her and the Doctor."

"Don't forget your contribution to that, Jack," Ianto said warmly. He reached over and took his fiancé's hand, squeezing it lightly. The look on his face…

It was at that moment that, if Illya had had any doubt of his nephew's feelings, it would have been swept aside. The sheer pride and love that was focused on Jack Harkness almost took his breath away.

A flash of pain flared in Jack's eyes. "I rather would, you know."

There was more of a story there, and Illya was debating about whether to ask when Napoleon spoke up. "The Doctor? You mean the Time Lord Doctor?"

"Yep, that's him." Jack seemed to shake off the melancholy that had settled over him.

"Both Martha and Jack were Companions." The capital 'C' was obvious in Ianto's voice. There was also a coldness in his eyes, that Illya really wanted to ask about.

U.N.C.L.E. had been very aware of whom the Doctor was; it was widely expected that, anyone running into him while on an assignment was to give the Time Lord any assistance he might require, even if it meant breaking cover. That went for his Companions as well.

It made Illya see his potential nephew in a different light.

To be honest, he still wasn't quite sure of the captain. The beginning of the evening hadn't gone all that favorably, at least in Illya's opinion. And, after the visit to the mens' room he seemed to change, becoming more outrageous…which had been what he'd expected in the first place. And now, to find out the man had traveled with the Doctor…

"Okay," Jack pinned Napoleon with his eyes. "As to the question that started this whole section of conversation…yeah, I've kept my eye on Stella over the years. She's a Professor of Neuroscience now, and she's a grandmother to boot. Still sexy as hell, though."

Napoleon smiled. "That's good to know. She did me a good turn back then, so I'm glad to know she's doing so well."

"Just how did you meet her?"

"I was sent over here on assignment, and I needed someone with her particular skill set. I approached her, and she was more than willing to help. Said she wanted to let her boyfriend down easy, though, first." Napoleon looked insufferable at that.

Jack's jaw dropped. "She dumped me for you!"

"I do believe she did, yes."

"I don't bloody believe it!" the immortal exclaimed. Then his eyes narrowed. "I even saw you! It's been bothering me since I first met you that I thought I recognized you, and I saw you picking Stella up at her flat the night she broke it off with me!" He huffed. "I just can't believe it. I got dumped for a spy."

Ianto patted Jack's arm. "It's okay, Jack. You still have me." While his expression might have been sympathetic, the laughter in his eyes totally ruined the effect.

Jack mock pouted. "Will you kiss it and make it better?"

"Later, dear," he smirked. "When we're alone."

That got rid of the pout, and the expression that took its place was so sexually charged it was a wonder they weren't kicked out of the restaurant over it. "I'm counting on it," he murmured, leaning toward the younger man.

"It's a promise," Ianto answered, his voice going down by about an octave.

They would have kissed if the server hadn't arrived with their entrees.

Ianto and Jack pulled away from each other. "So," Jack changed the subject back, "care to tell me just what you said to Stella to get her to go with you?"

"Only that I needed her help. Oh, I might have told her there was danger involved…"

And so, one uncle and one groom promptly bonded over their adventures with an ex-girlfriend.

Par for the course with his partner as far as Illya Kuryakin was concerned.

* * *

"So," Napoleon drawled, as he removed his jacket and hung it up in the closet, "did tonight make you change your mind about Ianto's future partner?"

Illya had already divested himself of jacket and shoes, and was lying on the king-sized bed, his back propped up against the headboard. "I'm considering it," he allowed. "Although he and you dating the same woman was a bit surreal."

His own partner scooped some ice out of the bucket, and filled a glass with water. "You need to relax a bit, Illya. Jack's not a bad guy. Let's face it…Ianto could have done so much worse."

"You're damning him with faint praise, Napoleon."

The older man joined him on the bed, positioning a pillow behind his back so he, too, could sit up. He took a sip of the water, then put the glass down on the bedside table. "That's not what I meant and you know it. You need to chill out about this."

Illya arched an eyebrow at him. "Did you just tell me to 'chill out'?"

"I did. And you should. Ianto is obviously in love with him, and the feeling's returned. What's got you so against Jack, anyway?"

"I'm not…against him, Napoleon. I'm just not convinced he's worthy of our nephew. Although I do admit that tonight did go some way in dispelling my concerns."

"So…he's worthy enough to travel with the vaunted Doctor, but not for Ianto?"

"He'll always be worth more than some trumped up alien."

"I do have to agree with you. Not many would."

Illya turned a bit, in order to better look at Napoleon directly. The older man was completely relaxed, playing with the television remote as he surfed the hotel's cable channels. His partner had a point; there was a lot of hero worship surrounding the Doctor, and those that did wouldn't hesitate to completely disregard a Welshman whose father had been a master tailor and mother had been an assistant at a foreign embassy.

"I got the distinct impression that Ianto doesn't like him, either."

"So did I. I'd love to know what sort of history is there." Napoleon leaned over to pick up the glass once more. "I'd also love to know just what happened during this time when they were supposed to be saving the world. I know you didn't miss that either."

Of course Napoleon hadn't missed the pain in Jack's eyes. "I was going to ask about it, but you interrupted me."

"I know. Illya, I really love you, but sometimes you have the tact of a prickly pear and are just as cuddly. That's obviously a painful story and not one for the middle of a crowded restaurant."

The Russian should have been insulted, but his partner was right. And, in this case, in his quest to learn more about their nephew's fiancé, he'd been willing to say and do anything to get a rise out of the man. He realized that would have quickly put him on the outs with his nephew, and he didn't really want to risk that.

Perhaps Napoleon was right, and he did indeed need to chill out.

Too bad that sort of thing wasn't in his nature.


	5. The Nightingale on the Phone Affair

The Men from TORCHWOOD

Author: Milady Dragon

Disclaimer: I don't own either Torchwood or Man from U.N.C.L.E. but they kinda look cute together!

Author's note: Sorry about not updating quicker, got completely distracted! Here is the next chapter, I hope you like it!

* * *

**Chapter Five**

**The Nightingale on the Phone Affair**

"_So…how did it go last night?"_

Jack grinned. "Pretty well, I think…although my ego took a bruising."

Martha Jones' laughter echoed down the connection. _"I didn't think you'd notice something bruising an ego that large, Jack."_

He pouted, even though the expression was wasted since Martha couldn't see it. "This is the sympathy I get? And here I thought you were my friend…"

"_I am. And as your friend it behooves me to tell you that you have an ego the size of the Moon."_

"Only the Moon? I would have said Mars at least…and who even says 'behooves' anyway?"

Martha laughed again. _"Acknowledging that you have a problem is the first step in getting better."_

"Remind me again why I love you?"

"_Because I'm beautiful, smart, funny…"_

"You realize you're also describing my future partner."

"_Just shows you have a type, Jack."_

It was Jack's turn to laugh. "You're right."

"_Are you going to tell me just what bruised your ego last night then?"_

He readjusted the position of his mobile against his ear, relaxing back into his office chair. It was a slow day; through his window he could see Tosh at her station, and he knew she was running simulations on her new time lock program. Owen was nowhere to be seen; if Jack had to guess, he was in the Autopsy Bay, catching up on the tests he was supposed to be running on the Weevil that they'd found dead last week, with no visible cause of death. Diane was sitting at her desk, working at her computer; and he knew Tish was upstairs manning the Tourist Office.

There was no sign of the one person he really wanted to see, but Jack knew he was down in the Archives, and casually used his free hand to begin a search through the CCTV.

"Well," he answered, "I found out that Ianto's Uncle Napoleon stole one of my girlfriends back in the 70's…"

"_Someone charmed a lady out from under you?"_ Martha sounded very amused indeed. _"I don't believe it."_

"You don't have to sound like you're enjoying it!" Jack mock-huffed, even though he knew she couldn't have missed the smile in his voice.

"_Anything that takes the mighty Captain Jack down a peg!"_

"You keep this up and I'm uninviting you to the ceremony!"

"_I'll just call Ianto, and he'll re-invite me."_

"I think you like him better than you like me."

"_Jack, you know that's not true."_

He grinned. "I wouldn't blame you if you did, you know."

"_I love you both. Now, what else happened last night?"_

Jack found Ianto on the CCTV; he was down in the Archives, in sub-section 3A. He had his jacket off, and his sleeves rolled up. He looked sexily disheveled, and it was all Jack could do not to come up with an excuse to hang up with Martha and go and surprise his fiancé.

"I admit it, I almost blew it, Martha. I was so intent on impressing Ianto's uncles that I wasn't myself." He told her about how he'd been far too polite and far too tame, until Ianto had hauled him off to the mens' and had talked some sense into him.

"_Good for Ianto,"_ Martha said. _"He was right Jack. You should always be yourself."_

"I know now. And, once I relaxed, the evening went pretty well…at least, it seemed to. I got along quite well with Napoleon…"

"_And the other uncle…Illya, right?"_

"Right," Jack answered. "Well, I like to think he was all right with me, but I got the distinct impression that he wasn't all that fond of me." He couldn't put his finger on it, but there'd been a distinctive chilliness in his behavior toward Jack.

"_It's probably one of those 'No one is good enough for my nephew' things. I wouldn't worry about it too much."_

"I'm sure you're right." That would make sense.

"_And I'm guessing they're okay with the whole immortality thing? You didn't say, but if Uncle Napoleon knew of you back in the 70's…"_

"They seemed to be."

"_How did they find out? Did either of them say?"_

"Being ex-spies, they had their sources…which to me mean UNIT. Although I really thought I'd gotten rid of all those records decades ago."

"_Let me go through what UNIT has, and see if I can't do a bit of judicious editing."_

"No, Nightingale, let me get Alistair to do it. He won't get into trouble if he's caught – "

Martha made a dismissive noise. _"Please. Being a Companion gives me quite a bit of leeway. If I come across anything I can't handle, I'll go to the Brigadier."_

She sounded certain, and Jack knew her well enough that he realized she'd do it anyway despite what he said. "All right. But I don't want to have to come and get you out of a UNIT holding facility. They aren't pretty."

"_I'll be careful. Now, back to business. Are you guys ready for the Jones clan to descend on you? I know Mum's looking forward to seeing you again, and to finally meeting Ianto."_

Jack chuckled. "And you haven't already filled her in?"

"_Of course I have! She just doesn't believe me about how great he is. She wants to see for herself. Oh, and Ianto should expect the Talk."_

A warm feeling flushed his chest, touched that Francine would want to do that for him. "Just so long as she doesn't scare him off."

"_I doubt a Dalek invasion would scare Ianto away from you, Jack."_

That brought a full-blown laugh. "But your mother is scarier than the Daleks when she wants to be!"

"_Oi! That's enough out of you, Mister!"_ She was laughing as well.

"I mean that in a good way!"

"_She just wants to look out for you."_

"I know, and you know I appreciate it." He did. The Jones family had practically adopted him after that Year, and Jack had almost forgotten what it had been like to have any sort of family around him.

"_Speaking of family…I'm sorry Jack, but I haven't heard from the Doctor yet. I've left messages on the mobile I left him…"_

Jack's heart sank. "It's fine…we've both tried…"

"_It's not fine! He's being an arse!"_

"We don't even know if the phone is with him."

"_Don't even think about that, Jack. I've been leaving messages for weeks, and you've been trying to reach him since before that. He should have answered by now."_

He'd really wanted the Doctor to be at his ceremony. Jack knew that Ianto wasn't at all fond of the Time Lord, for lots of different reasons – all of them having to do with Jack – but his fiancé had accepted that Jack needed the Doctor in his life. "He might yet show up."

"_Well, I wouldn't count on him. Besides you have us! My family, and Ianto's family, and the team…we're all you need. Plus the friends you've invited! There are so many people who are happy for you both, Jack. You don't need an oblivious Time Lord to show up and bring an alien invasion with him!"_

"Martha, have I told you lately that I love you?" He was touched by her words, and it just reminded him how much Martha meant to him.

"_I'll tell Ianto and Tom that you said that…"_

"And you're right…if the Doctor did show up, there's no telling what sort of chaos he'd bring with him. Ianto's already nervous enough about what can go wrong." It still hurt that the Doctor hadn't called them back, but Martha was right…there were too many people out there who loved both men.

"_Is he really that nervous?"_

"Are you kidding?" Jack scoffed. "He's practically convinced that Armageddon is going to rain down on the day and bury Cardiff in death and destruction."

"_And here I thought he was the calm one!"_

"Not this time! It doesn't help that Owen planned the actual stag do."

"_You two actually let Owen plan something? Oh God, it's going to be a disaster…"_

Jack snorted. "Well, at least he's not Diane, who's insisting that Ianto and I sleep apart the night before the ceremony. She says it would be bad luck if we saw each other before the CP."

"_Mum wanted to know if you were going to go that traditional!"_

"We haven't decided yet. Although personally I think we're going to be so pumped on adrenaline the night before and not be able to sleep anyway. Everyone should just let us work it all off and leave us alone."

"_Does this mean you two will want to leave the reception early then, if you don't get to have sex the night before?" _Her voice was teasing.

"C'mon, Martha…when haven't I wanted to ravish Ianto?"

"_Point to you, Harkness. Listen, I've got a meeting coming up, so I'm gonna have to go. But I should be at the train station tomorrow around 1pm."_

"Sounds good. The family and Tom still coming down on Friday then?"

"_That's the plan."_

"Well, Ianto and I will be there to pick you up, Rift permitting."

"_Sounds good to me. I'm really looking forward to meeting Ianto's family."_

"We're planning a big family dinner Friday night. Everyone will either get along, or kill each other. And I mean that literally when it comes to the two uncles."

"_You have plenty or Retcon ready then?"_

"Don't forget the body bags!"

Martha laughed. _"I'll help with the clean-up then. When's the stag do?"_

"Tomorrow night. Thank Gods Owen didn't plan it the night before the ceremony. There was no way I was also going to babysit a bunch of hungover guests."

"_I want to see Ianto drunk."_

"It's quite entertaining. Just don't get him around a karaoke machine!"

That sent Martha off into a fit of giggles. _"Got to go, Jack. I'll see you both tomorrow."_

"See you then, Nightingale. Give everyone my love and tell them I can't wait to see them."

"_Will do. Give Ianto a hug for me."_

"As soon as I can chivvy him up out of the Archives I will."

"_Love you Jack."_

"You too, Martha."

Jack flipped the phone closed, his eyes going back to the CCTV. Ianto was still working away, and the immortal decided it was time to see if he could distract his lover from all those boring files…

* * *

It was apparent that Ianto didn't even hear Jack until the older man had pressed him into the wall, his hands holding him by the waist and kissing him senseless, Jack's growing hardness rubbing against his fiancé's own burgeoning erection.

He let Jack ravish his mouth, then returned the favor. Kisses went from slow and sweet, to hard and passionate, and back again, only breaking when air became necessary. Jack could kiss Ianto all day, and he'd never get tired of it.

Eventually Jack pulled away. "Damn, you're the sexiest person I've ever met, Ianto Jones. What you do to me…"

"I have a pretty good idea," the younger man murmured, grinding his clothed cock against Jack's. He tangled one hand in Jack's hair, the other grasping Jack's arse and pulling him closer. "We should really get some sort of bed down here if you insist on an afternoon quickie every day."

"Never a quickie with you, Ianto."

Blue eyes met blue eyes, and Jack felt such a rush of love it almost left him breathless. Once again, he wondered just what he'd done to deserve this man in his life, let alone him being willing to make a commitment to him for the rest of Ianto's own life.

"Martha called," Jack managed to say.

Ianto leaned forward, licking a line from the collar of Jack's work shirt to just behind his ear, making Jack shiver. "You got me all hot and bothered just because Martha called you?"

"Well, no…the hot and bothered part is a bonus." Jack was panting under Ianto's talented mouth. Gods, he knew exactly what drove Jack nuts.

He felt Ianto nibbling at his earlobe. "Then let's just forget about her for a while," he whispered. "Right now, I want you on your knees."

Jack was quite happy to oblige.


	6. The Family in the Hub Affair

The Men from TORCHWOOD

Author: Milady Dragon

Disclaimer: I don't own Torchwood or Man from U.N.C.L.E. but I love matchmaking!

Author's Note: I had this chapter done a while ago, and kinda forgot to post it...sorry! But thanks for your patience, and for all your lovely reviews and for alerting and adding to favorites. I do hope you enjoy this chapter!

* * *

**Chapter Six**

**The Family in the Hub Affair**

"_Ianto?"_ Tish's voice came through his and Jack's comms. _"Your uncles are up in the Tourist Office."_

Ianto touched the comm. in his ear. "Thanks, Tish. I'm on my way up." He sighed. "Damn. They're early." He'd promised them a tour of the Hub, and had thought they'd be much later, visiting with Rhiannon.

He felt Jack's weight leave his back, and he missed the warmth immediately. He also missed the hard cock that had been seconds away from screwing him into the wall. "Their timing sucks," Jack added, "and not in a good way."

"Out of the many things I've considered my uncles, I never would have thought to add cock-blockers to the list." Ianto turned, glancing at his lover. Jack looked totally debauched, his lips swollen and his eyes dark with desire. His clothes were a disaster, his trousers down around his ankles.

And Ianto knew he didn't look any different.

His uncles would know immediately what he'd been up to.

Which led him to the decision he made.

"Let 'em wait," he growled, pulling Jack closer and practically devouring the older man's mouth. From Jack's eager reciprocation, the sentiment was shared by his fiancé.

* * *

Twenty minutes later, Ianto exited through the secret door into the Tourist Office. The knowing look on Tish's face told him that the quick tidying up that he'd done after their 'session' in the Archives hadn't hidden a thing.

Then there was the smirk the curled up the corner of his Uncle Napoleon's mouth…and the disapproving frown that drew his Uncle Illya's brows together. Ianto was a bit bothered by that disapproval, but he put it behind him. He was an adult, and he made his own decisions.

"Sorry about that," he said, even though he really wasn't, "but Jack and I…were working in the Archives."

"Is that what you're calling it now?" Tish giggled.

"It's better than Weevil hunting," Ianto shot back. "Which really _is_ Weevil hunting, I'll have you know." He and Jack knew better than to have sex with a Weevil locked up in the boot of the SUV. They waited until they got home to burn off that after-chase adrenaline.

Besides, concrete burn on the sensitive areas was just plain embarrassing.

"If you say so!" Tish was worse than Martha sometimes, with all the fangirling.

Ianto barely resisted the urge to stick his tongue out at her. Instead, he turned his complete attention to his uncles. "Did you enjoy your visit to Rhiannon's?"

"It went all right," Napoleon said, as Ianto ushered the pair through the secret door and down the corridor toward the lift. "Although, I have to be honest and say I was glad that Johnny was at work today. I still feel Rhiannon could have married better, but I suppose he makes her happy."

"He does." Ianto admitted. "And that's the most important thing." He wasn't going to say that he thought Napoleon was right, because he was still unsure about just how his uncles viewed Jack. Well, he was pretty certain that Napoleon liked his fiancé; it was his Uncle Illya he didn't know about. He did know that they only wanted the best for him, and all he had to do was convince them that was Jack.

He let them enter the lift first, then sent it downward. Ianto thought it was going to be a quiet trip, but no such luck.

"Do you often have sex while at your place of work?" Uncle Illya asked bluntly.

Uncle Napoleon rolled his eyes. "You have no right to be so disapproving. After all, you're the one who figured out how to loop the cameras in our office, back when we were with U.N.C.L.E. – "

Illya glared at his partner, although the effect was dampened by the blushing.

Ianto wanted to laugh, but managed to control himself. "To answer your question, Uncle Illya: we don't have sex in the Hub as much as we used to, when Jack actually lived here. We do enjoy a fast-paced game of Naked Hide and Seek every once in a while though – "

Napoleon tried to hide his smile under his raised hand. "Jack used to live here?"

"Yep. Back in the days before we had remote Rift monitors, Jack always slept at the Hub, in case an alert came in overnight. It helped that he doesn't need all that much sleep." The lift doors slid open, and Ianto frowned at the odd clank that accompanied the action. He'd have to take a look at the mechanism during his next maintenance check. "But, ever since we moved in together, we don't actually have sex here all that much. I think this morning was just working off some nerves." He didn't add that he knew Jack's weaknesses, and seeing Ianto loosened up always had an effect on his lover. Because, Ianto had no doubt that Jack had been spying on him with the CCTV, and to Jack the lack of jacket and rolling up of sleeves was almost as arousing as seeing Ianto completely naked.

"Pre-ceremony jitters," Napoleon said.

"Pretty much, yeah." Ianto turned the key to open the cog door, and it rolled open with the accompanying siren and lights.

"No one would be able to sneak in, that's for sure," his dark-haired uncle quipped as they stepped into the Hub. "Well, this is impressive."

Both of his uncles were taking in the Hub, and judging from the looks on their faces they were _both_ impressed. As if on cue, Myfanwy took the opportunity to fly overhead, letting out a loud cry as she caught the warm updraft that always seemed to rise off the Hub floor.

"A pteranodon?" Illya asked, awestruck. "You'd said something about catching one…"

"Myfanwy," Ianto answered, smirking. "Jack and I caught her."

"I consider that our first date."

Ianto looked up; Jack was on the upper gantry, hands resting on the rail as he grinned downward. He threw Ianto a wink, then began to make his way to the main floor. "Welcome to Torchwood," he greeted as he moved lower. "We don't get a lot of visitors here…well, not that they remember, of course."

"Do you have to be so dramatic?" Ianto snarked.

"Of course I do!" Jack joined them, pulling Ianto to his side with one arm. "If I wasn't, you'd think I was possessed by an alien or something."

"Does that happen very often?" Napoleon asked, offering Jack his hand.

Jack shook it. "Nope, not very often at all. Most of what we get here is either pretty minor…or apocalyptic. In between it's pretty dull."

"Hours of boredom interspersed with seconds of sheer terror?" Napoleon asked, understandingly.

"That's a good way of putting it. Come on, let's introduce you to the rest of the team, then give you the grand tour. You've already seen Myfanwy…"

Tosh was at her station, and Diane had joined her. Ianto made the introductions, and his Uncle Illya smiled. He spoke to Toshiko…in Japanese.

Tosh looked surprised, but eagerly answered back, also in Japanese. She shot a glance at Ianto, as if asking why he hadn't warned her about his uncle's knowing her native language, and Ianto just shrugged, letting a small smile of his own answer her unspoken question.

"While they're busy being rude," Napoleon said gallantly, "may I say it's a pleasure to meet you?" He took Diane's hand and kissed it.

"And to meet you," she answered, returning his smile.

"Diane's a field agent," Ianto explained. "She's also become our expert in alien spaceships. What she can't fly, isn't worth flying." He got Illya's attention. "And Diane…my uncle Illya is the one who took on Emma-Louise in London."

That earned the man a smile a bit larger than the one Diane had graced Napoleon with. "Then I should really thank you," she said, shaking his hand. "She and I became a bit close when we were stranded here. I'm glad she's been able to find a place."

Ianto knew that Diane kept up with Emma-Louise, her fellow Rift refugee, and wouldn't waste an opportunity to thank the person who'd taken the girl in.

Illya smiled his slight, yet sincere, smile. "Then you're the Diane Emma speaks so highly of. She's quite an addition to the apprentice program, and her mentor hopes that we'll see one of her designs at the upcoming Fashion Week in the spring. She's very talented."

"Wait a second," Owen interjected; Ianto hadn't even noticed him join the group. "Emma-Louise went to work for some big-shot fashion designer…" It was interesting to watch him add two and two, and come up with the correct sum. "_You're_ the big-shot fashion designer?" The glee in his voice wanted to make Ianto cringe. "Tea Boy's uncle makes dresses for a living? That's fucking priceless, that is!"

Ianto should have foreseen this, knowing Owen Harper as well as he did. As he watched Illya's face go completely stony and Napoleon's expression look like he wanted to haul off and slug the medic, Ianto stepped forward to attempt to calm things down. "Watch it," he warned. "That so-called dress maker can kill you in ways you can't even imagine…and with his bare hands. I'd be a bit more respectful if I were you."

"Come off it," Owen laughed. "You're making him out as some sort of ninja or something!"

"Not ninja," Jack jumped in. "Try ex-KGB, and ex-U.N.C.L.E. Which, you'd have known if you hadn't avoided anything that had to do with ceremony plans beyond the stag do."

Owen opened his mouth to reply, but he was cut off before he could say anything.

"Did you just call my nephew 'Tea Boy'?" Illya asked, his voice deadly low.

Perhaps inviting his uncles to visit the Hub had been a really bad idea…

"You should be more respectful to your betters," Illya went on, moving to stand right into Owen's personal space.

Ianto caught the exact moment Owen knew he was in trouble; his eyes went wide, and he immediately tried to hide his discomfiture. "Tea Boy?" he scoffed, although he sounded somewhat unsure of himself and was obviously trying to hide it. "Please. He's good at what he does, but there's no way he's better than me."

And this was Owen Harper trying to bluff his way out of the hole he'd dug himself.

"I did warn him," Jack murmured, trying to keep his laughter in check.

Ianto rolled his eyes, remembering Jack's admonition about pissing off the relatives, back when they'd announced the CP and had begun the planning. "Uncle Illya," he said, wanting to put a stop to the train wreck this was fast becoming, "Owen's a prat. Killing him won't change that, and it'll leave us down a man. I'll just put him on decaf for the foreseeable future, and that should handle it."

Illya didn't move, but it was obvious he was paying attention. "I'm sure I can teach him some manners," he answered quietly, his Russian accent a bit thicker than usual. It was intimidating, but if Ianto was any judge Napoleon was getting a bit turned on by the act.

Which disturbed him in a way, even though Ianto was well aware that the men had been having a sexual relationship for about three decades. "As much as we'd all appreciate that, we don't want him damaged. I can keep him under control."

"Like hell, Tea Boy!" It would have been the slightest bit antagonistic but for the obvious squeak.

"Owen," Ianto said patiently, "how many times do I have to tell you? If you're going to make up derogatory nicknames, the least you can do is get them right. I've never served a cup of tea in all the time I've been here. And, if you keep it up, it's going to be instant decaf for you, plus I'll block your internet access."

"Looks like you're putting that Computer Science degree to good use, nephew," Napoleon drawled, sounding very amused indeed.

Ianto smirked. "I try, Uncle Napoleon."

"How about that tour?" Jack offered. "I bet Tosh wouldn't mind joining us, too."

The tech expert looked inordinately happy. "I'd love to! I don't know if you've kept up with the latest discoveries, Dr. Kuryakin – "

"It's Illya, please," he said, giving Owen a final glare then stepping away. "And I've managed to read most of the newer scientific journals…"

Ianto internalized his sigh of relief, that things seemed to be diffusing a little. He'd have to keep Owen away from his family, but he felt he was up to the task.

Besides, he meant his threats. And, if Owen tested him, then he'd see just how far Ianto was willing to push back.

It might actually be fun, and might help him with his nerves a bit.


	7. The What the Hell was I Drinking? Affair

The Men from TORCHWOOD

Author: Milady Dragon

Disclaimer: I don't own either Torchwood or Man from UNCLE, but they sure do look nice together!

Author's note: Sorry this took so long to update! My other stories are really flowing and this one just kinda fell to the wayside. I'll try to do better, but no promises, I'm afraid. Thanks for sticking by this and I hope you enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter Seven**

**The "What the Hell was I Drinking?" Affair**

Jack awoke with no idea where he was. It was dark, and he had to fight the fiercest headache he could remember ever having in order to get enough of a look around to realize that he was obviously in their flat, and in their bed. His muzzy thoughts didn't spit up that fact right away, though. No, his brain was moving slower than a Trebian slug...and that was saying something.

In fact, it felt like that self-same slug had curled up in his mouth and died. Jack let his brain chew on that, and it seemed like forever before it threw up a reason for the shit way he was feeling.

He had the Universe's worst hangover.

Jack's mind played with that, then dismissed it…but picked up the notion once more when he figured out he couldn't actually remember what had happened the night before. But he didn't drink enough anymore to get so blinding drunk, and a part of him thought that his immortal metabolism wouldn't _let _him get that pissed.

Then why did he feel like something the TARDIS had parked on?

Jack lay there, just letting his tortured brain float. Images wafted across his minds' eye: he remembered meeting Martha at the station, and taking her to dinner…then there was the stag do Owen had arranged…something about karaoke, and an argument between Ianto's Uncle Illya and the medic, a cute stripper that Jack and Napoleon had taken turns flirting with…

Nothing else. It was like a black hole had taken up residence in his memory.

He wondered vaguely if someone hadn't given him liquid Retcon or something.

A warm body was pressed tightly against his, an arm thrown around his waist, and without looking Jack knew it was Ianto; he'd know that familiar form anywhere. A puff of hot air tickled the short hairs behind his ear, and despite the sheer agony in his skull Jack smiled softly.

Damn, it hurt even to smile.

Eventually his bladder told him he really needed to get up. Jack stifled a groan as he attempted to rise, the room spinning around him. He was reminded disturbingly of the time he'd ridden through the Vortex on the outside of the TARDIS, and that thought set the nausea in motion. Jack barely made it to the bathroom before whatever he'd eaten the previous day revisited him with a vengeance.

He was eventually able to stand, and to relieve himself. Jack washed his face and rinsed his mouth, afraid to even glance at himself in the vanity mirror, not wanting to know just how bad he must have looked. He stumbled back into the bedroom, curling up beside Ianto again and letting sleep claim him once more.

When Jack awoke the second time, a thin band of sunlight was showing through a gap between the curtain and the sill, illuminating a swath of cream-colored wall. His head didn't hurt quite so badly, and he luxuriated for a while, wrapped comfortably around his fiancé. He tried to think back about the night before, but it was still a complete blank.

It worried him.

Ianto began to stir, cuddling closer to Jack. The immortal smiled softly, knowing that neither man had really been a cuddler until they'd officially moved in together, when they'd finally realized that they slept better together than separate. Now, Jack couldn't get enough of it, and he pulled Ianto closer, knowing that the other man was close to awakening.

He only hoped that, whatever had happened the night before that Ianto would remember it, because Jack really didn't have a clue.

Eventually, Ianto sat up gingerly, looking almost as confused as Jack must have been. His eyes were bloodshot and heavy-lidded, and once it seemed to sink in where they were, he plunked his head back down onto Jack's chest, making the older man wince. "Wake me up when the pain stops," he moaned.

"Do you…remember? What happened last night, I mean."

Ianto was silent for so long that Jack thought he must have gone back to sleep. But after a bit, he answered. "No. Do you?"

"Not a clue."

"That's…worrying," Ianto answered faintly.

"We obviously weren't up for anything…I'm still wearing my boxers."

Ianto shifted slightly. "So am I. Um...is it wrong to be concerned about that?"

"Considering you and I never wear anything to bed?"

"Point. Oh God…what the hell happened last night?"

"It could be worse."

Ianto was quiet, as if considering Jack's words. "You're right. We could've woke up with Owen in bed with us. And I think I just made myself ill."

The younger man practically jumped up, and barely made it to the bathroom in time. Jack's own stomach roiled at the noises Ianto was making, and he hoped that he wouldn't be joining his lover in worshipping at the throne of the porcelain goddess once more.

The toilet flushed, and water ran in the sink. Ianto dragged himself out of the bathroom and back to the bed, crawling in and looking pitiful. "I can't even remember ever drinking enough to get a hangover this bad, not even in Uni," he whined, once again winding his limbs around Jack's body. "Even my hair hurts."

"I know," Jack admitted, wrapping himself around Ianto as well. "I woke up earlier and did the same thing you just did."

"You never get drunk."

"That's what bothers me the most," the immortal admitted. "I didn't think I _could_."

Ianto hummed quietly, settling back into Jack's embrace. He dozed for a while, and Jack joined him, and it was only another call of nature – this time on Ianto's part – that roused them once more. As the younger man got up, Jack glanced toward the alarm clock…and groaned when he saw the time. He flung the duvet off, swinging his legs over the edge and planting his feet on the floor.

And he did a double-take.

"Ianto?"

"Yes, Jack?" came his lover's response from the bathroom.

"Is there some reason why my toenails are painted blue?"

* * *

Jack's immortal metabolism managed to fight off his hangover, but he still winced a bit when the cog door alarm went off, signaling his arrival at the Hub. He'd left Ianto in their bed, and it hadn't taken any convincing on his part to make his lover stay home until he was a bit more recovered. The last sight of Ianto Jack had had was of the younger man burrowed in the duvet, trying to escape whatever small bits of sunlight that were making its way past the curtains.

Tosh was at her station, Diane standing behind her with a hand on the other woman's shoulder. It had been a bit of a surprise when the two had gotten together, although Diane's brashness had brought Tosh out of her shell a bit. And Jack had to admit that they made a really cute couple.

Both women glanced up at him. "Good morning," Tosh greeted. "Ianto not with you?"

"He should be in later," Jack answered. "Tosh, I need your help with something."

"Sure." Then she took a second look at him. "Jack…you look like you're hung over."

"If I do, you should see Ianto." He tried to pass it off as a joke, but it fell as flat he thought it might.

"But you don't drink," Tosh protested.

"And yet…here I am. Which is why I wanted to ask you do to something." He stepped up beside Diane. "I need you to see if you can get the CCTV footage from the club we went to last night. I really need to know just what happened, because both Ianto and I can't remember much of anything."

Tosh got to work. "Have you checked with anyone else at the stag party last night?"

Jack snorted. "I tried Owen, and he picked up, cursed me out, then hung up. Ianto's uncles' phones went to voice mail, and Ianto's friend Ross from UNIT didn't answer at all. After that I figured we must all be in the same shape, and that something beyond men getting together at a strip club must have happened last night."

A coffee mug appeared before his eyes; Jack took it, and while it didn't measure up to Ianto's it was just the pick-me-up he'd needed. He smiled over at Tish, who'd provided the liquid gold. "You are a goddess among mortals, Leticia Jones," he praised, taking a sip.

"You only say that when Ianto isn't around," she mock-pouted.

"That's only because I can't have dissention in the ranks if I started worshipping you both," Jack teased. "Then everyone would want to be worshipped, and there's only one of me."

"I'd love to be worshipped," Diane said, grinning.

"Not me," Tosh added. "Being omnipotent and omniscient is too much hard work." Her fingers danced over the keys of her computer. "Besides, Ianto and I discussed ruling the world, and decided we didn't want the hassle."

"You and Ianto would make awesome dictators," Jack said. "I'd totally bend to your wills."

"You can do that with Ianto," Tosh sniffed. "Because I have a feeling that wouldn't be the only thing you'd be bending….ah, here we go. It was the Club Nightlife, right?"

Jack leaned over, looking at the large center screen as the grainy CCTV footage that it was displaying. "That's it."

"What time did you arrive?"

He had to think about that. "I'd say…about 9pm or a little after. Most everyone was already there." He didn't add that he'd had to practically drag Ianto out of their flat, his fiancé not wanting to go anywhere near some place Owen had recommended.

In minutes Tosh had the CCTV brought up, and Jack could see him and Ianto arriving by taxi at the strip club last night. "Can you check inside?"

"Easy peasy," Tosh answered, sounding almost insulted. The picture changed, and now from a camera somewhere in the club they could see Ianto and Jack entering.

"I remember up to a certain point last night," Jack murmured. "Just fast forward until I let you know, okay?"

It wasn't the best picture, and often Jack would lose sight of members of the stag do as they moved throughout the club and into areas not covered by the CCTV. There wasn't any sound, either, but it was fairly obvious that certain members of their party were having more fun than others.

"Stop it a second," Jack directed, seeing something he thought he knew.

Tosh did as he asked, and yes…it was the altercation between Owen and Ianto's uncle, Illya. That recollection was on the edge of his memory. "Can you let it run from here?"

It slowly came back to him; the reason for the argument. Owen had said something to Ianto that Illya had thought was insulting, and he'd gotten up in Owen's face about it. Jack couldn't remember exactly what it was, and he seemed to think that Ianto had tried to stop it…yes, there it was. Okay, so far he sort of knew what was going on.

But that changed quickly.

Owen practically stomped away, but Jack couldn't see where he'd gone. A few minutes later he was back…wait, what was that in his hand? "Can you tell what Owen's doing?"

Tosh played with the footage. "If I blow it up anymore, all we'll get are pixels. It's a crap picture, Jack. Sorry."

"No, that's fine." Jack got his nose practically up to the monitor. He just couldn't make out what Owen was doing. He pulled back. "Okay, start it up again, please."

Tosh did so, all four watching as last night's events unfolded.

Diane was the one who noticed the first weird thing. "Look at Ianto's UNIT friend and tell me what you see."

Jack quickly found the person she was talking about. They all knew Ross Jenkins; Jack had been trying to steal him away from UNIT for months, and the young man and Ianto had become friends during a joint training session between Torchwood and UNIT just after Jack had come back from that Year. As he watched the screen, Ross got up out of his chair and climbed up on the stage, to dance with the stripper currently doing her show.

Well, now that was completely out of character.

They kept watching. Ianto had dragged Ross down from the stage, but then the stripper herself got down into the crowd, to the obvious chagrin of the management. That was when Jack and Napoleon had gone to her 'rescue', and Jack could vaguely recall flirting with her shamelessly, as had his future uncle-in-law.

The entire place seemed to degenerate into strangeness.

No one got violent, that Jack could see. Everyone appeared to become spontaneously inebriated. At one point Jack got up on the stage himself, and it was obvious he was singing.

Oh hell…no, he _remembered_ that, if extremely vaguely. He'd thought it was karaoke, but he'd obviously gotten up on that stage to sing on his own, flanked by two very buxom strippers to act as his back-up singers.

_Do You Wanna Touch Me?_ by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts.

Sweet goddess, he hoped no one remembered _that_…they'd be asking just how he knew that particular song and there was no way he was explaining. There was only so much he could blame on Torchwood missions as it was.

"Please stop it," he begged, turning away from the screen. Jack wasn't often embarrassed by anything, but just the thought of him on that stage, even though it was all a dim blur…

No. He never would have acted like that if he'd been in his own mind.

And, if he was any judge, he was able to figure out who would know just what had caused an entire club of people to suddenly lose control like that.

Jack flipped open his phone. "Owen Harper," he snapped, not even giving the man a chance to say anything, "get that skinny arse of yours into the Hub…now. You've got some explaining to do."


	8. The Video on YouTube Affair

The Men from TORCHWOOD

Author: Milady Dragon

Disclaimer: I don't own either Torchwood or Man from UNCLE. Sad, really...

Author's note: Yes, I know it's been ages since I've updated, and I'm really sorry about that! My dragon-muses seem to have taken over my life, but I hope to be able to update on a semi-regular basis...although I can't say how semi-regular that might actually be. Once again, sorry...and I hope this chapter makes up a bit for it.

Thanks for all of your patience.

* * *

**Chapter Eight**

**The Video on YouTube Affair**

Illya and Napoleon made their way toward the Tourist Office that was Torchwood's façade, the watery Cardiff sunlight making Illya glad that he had his sunglasses on. It might not have been very bright, but it still did unpleasant things to the hangover he was nursing.

Both he and Napoleon had woken up somewhat...delicate, that morning. Neither one could actually remember how they'd gotten back to their room last night, let alone how the young UNIT soldier had ended up sleeping in their closet. Illya had been bothered by that – not the presence of Ross Jenkins, but the lack of memory – and the message Jack had left in both their voicemails hadn't made him feel any better.

After shooing Private Jenkins back to his own room, the two former spies had gotten cleaned up and had headed out toward the quay. Illya shouldn't have been feeling somewhat vindictive that Napoleon seemed to be in as fragile a state as he was, since it wasn't his partner's fault that he felt like THRUSH had been slowly torturing him for days, but misery did love company.

He really wanted to know what had happened. After so many years of being a spy and needing to keep control at all times, Illya Kuryakin was not one to just go out and get so drunk that he couldn't recall anything of the night before. Not even for his nephew's bachelor party was he about to cut that loose; besides, someone had to keep an eye on Napoleon, and he considered that his life's calling. No, he suspected something else had occurred last night…and he also suspected that a certain Captain Jack Harkness knew what it was.

Not that he thought Jack had had anything to do with it. Just from the way the man had sounded on the voice mail, Illya suspected he was feeling just as rocky as he and Napoleon – and apparently Ross Jenkins as well – were. No, the enigmatic captain had been a victim of this just as much as anyone else had. But that didn't stop Illya from considering that Jack at least suspected what had gone on the previous night.

And Illya was determined to get answers.

As they came up to the Tourist Office, he noticed a young woman frantically waving at the CCTV camera that was mounted above the door. She was attractive, with dark skin and her hair pulled back into a messy-looking tail at the back of her head. Her clothing was casual, yet managed to look classy at the same time.

She must have noticed them approaching, because she stopped her waving and turned to look at them. "Good morning," she greeted in a friendly tone, her accent clearly Londoner. "I'm sorry, but it looks like the office is still closed."

Illya gave his usual slight smile. "That's fine," he answered. "Our nephew works here. I'm sure he'll be along shortly."

The woman's face lit up. "Oh! You must be Ianto's Uncles Illya and Napoleon! I'm Martha Jones; it's nice to finally meet you."

She shook hands; her grip was firm, and there were faint calluses on her fingers that corresponded with a familiarity with guns. "Ms Jones," Napoleon said, taking her hand in both of his. "It's our pleasure, surely."

Illya barely kept from rolling his eyes; even with a hangover, his partner could still flirt.

Martha grinned. "It's Dr. Jones actually, but please call me Martha. I was just trying to get someone's attention to let me in." She waved her free hand toward the camera. "They're usually a bit quicker on the ball than this. Must be a busy morning, but I'm sure they'll be up in a bit. Could I have my hand back please?"

Napoleon smiled charmingly, kissing her hand then releasing it. She retaliated by hugging the man tightly, then turning to Illya and hugging him as well. Illya thought that his nephew had some very _friendly_ friends…

"So," Illya asked, "just how do you know Ianto?" He actually already knew the answer, but wanted to hear it from Martha.

"Well," she said, "I know him through Jack. Jack and I used to…travel together with a friend."

"The Doctor."

She didn't look surprised that Illya knew, nodding in response. "He and I went through hell together. Jack's like my big brother, and my family's sort of adopted him." She laughed. "You'll be meeting them tonight, at dinner. You should expect to get thoroughly grilled by my mum about Ianto, and she's really tenacious when she wants to know something."

Illya smirked. "We've been questioned by the best – "

"Or the worst as the case may be," Napoleon cut in.

" – so I should think we'll be able to stand up to your mother," Illya finished.

Martha smirked. "You haven't met my mum."

Illya was about to retort when there was a loud click from the Tourist Office door. It swung open, revealing the smiling face of Diane Holmes. "Sorry about that," she said, ushering them inside, "but Tosh has been busy, Tish is out, and Ianto isn't in yet."

That raised concerns, since he was aware of his nephew's work ethic. He was about to question it when Martha did it for him. "Ianto? Not in? That's not like him. He didn't get drunk last night, did he?" She sounded and looked a bit worried.

"Well," Diane said, "_something_ happened last night…come on down, and we'll explain."

She opened the secret door, and the group headed down to the Hub. The alarm on the door made both Illya and Napoleon wince in tandem, and they removed their sunglasses in the dimmer lighting.

The first thing Illya noticed this time was the yelling.

He couldn't actually understand what was being said, but it was obviously the captain's voice, and he sounded furious. The ex-spy turned, and saw through the window to the office that Jack was standing next to the desk, leaning belligerently toward his medic. Owen Harper looked just as belligerent, his hands clenched at his sides. Jack was doing the yelling, and he looked thunderous.

"Dare we ask?" Napoleon said wryly, glancing at Diane.

"Apparently," the pilot replied, leading them all over to Tosh's station, where the technician was busily working on something. "Owen had fun playing with organic chemistry."

"We had a plant from the 38th century arrive through the Rift a couple of months ago," Toshiko took up the story, her fingers dancing over her keyboard as she talked. Illya was impressed by the multitasking. "Jack identified it as Krosap, which will be harvested and used as a recreational drug."

"Owen brought the plant back and started studying it," Diane continued. "Turns out he figured out how the Krosap works, and made up a batch – for study purposes, he claims. But he decided to take some of it to the stag-do last night. And, when the party didn't seem to be exciting enough – "

"He released it into the club's air conditioning system," Tosh added.

Illya was shocked. "You're saying that he let loose something he created from an alien plant into a club full of people?"

"Pretty much, yes."

The ex-spy turned back to look through the window into Jack's office once more. The captain was still reaming Owen out, but the doctor seemed to be looking a bit more contrite. "Can I kill him after Jack's done with him?" His tone might have been mild, but he was quietly seething. Of all the idiotic, insane…Illya couldn't think of anything else to call it, and he could usually come up with some very interesting adjectives.

He could vaguely recall part of an argument he'd gotten into with Owen last night, concerning the man's lack of respect toward his nephew. The man had argued back, and Illya seemed to remember that Ianto had broken the rather heated discussion up. He thought there'd been a bit of guilt-tripping involved.

"I'm in line too," Napoleon growled. "That was inexcusable. People could have been hurt."

"I think we need to check to make sure everyone's all right," Martha said, her voice dropping into what Illya had always called 'doctor-mode'; every medical practitioner he'd ever met had mastered that tone. "We should run blood tests, scans…"

"I'm running searches and face recognition on the people who'd been in the club right now," Tosh said. "I've managed to track most of the clubbers and all of the employees. So far, there haven't been anyone taken to A&E, but Tish was monitoring the police channels before Jack sent her to the train station to pick up your family, Martha."

"I can do that," Napoleon volunteered. "Just show me where."

Diane took him to a desk and showed him how to access the system. Illya watched his partner settle in, a headset held up to one ear, the look of concentration on his handsome face.

"What can I do?" he asked.

"I need to run searches online for any evidence of what happened last night," Tosh answered. "We have specialized software that we use to search the internet. If you can feed the names into the engine, it'll search the social networks and websites for anything that might be from last night's party."

Armed with the list, Illya was given the last empty desk…which had to have been Ianto's, if the neatness was any indication. He made himself comfortable, and began to run the parameters of the search.

Illya might have been one of the premier fashion designers in Europe and America, but he'd earned his degree in Quantum Mechanics from Cambridge, and he knew his way around computers. Immediately he recognized that the Torchwood mainframe was something a step above anything he'd ever seen, and that was saying something. Napoleon had been the one to move into computers after their retirement from U.N.C.L.E., but Illya hadn't let his own knowledge fade. He'd kept up with the latest technologies, and so he had no problem with the task Toshiko had set for him.

He didn't find much, figuring everyone would still be hungover. His own headache was a throbbing behind his eyes, but Illya refused to give in. He pushed his glasses up on his nose, and concentrated on his work.

Really, he'd had no idea he'd be an ad-hoc member of the Torchwood team when he'd said he'd come to his nephew's civil partnership!

He heard the door alarm go off twice: once, when Owen had stormed out of the Hub, looking like someone had just kicked his favorite puppy; the other was Ianto arriving, wearing a sleek charcoal pinstripe that had Napoleon murmuring a "Nice look" as their nephew passed. Soon, the smell of coffee permeated the workspace, and Illya could feel the airborne caffeine surge into his bloodstream by osmosis.

A small chime signaled that the program had found something. Illya sat up, to see what had turned up.

It was a YouTube video.

He watched a few seconds…and then burst into laughter, drawing everyone in the Hub to look over his shoulder.

The strains of Joan Jett's 'Do You Want to Touch Me?' rang from the computer's speakers, sung in the unmistakable voice of Captain Jack Harkness.

A strangled sound came from the aforementioned captain as he leaned over Illya's shoulder, and a look of horrific embarrassment crossed his face. Illya felt sorry for him…for about two seconds. He just couldn't help it, it was far too funny for words.

"Oh god," Jack moaned. "Please turn it off."

An arm reached around Illya, to move the mouse in order to pause the video; it was obviously Ianto's, trying to save his lover's last shred of dignity. "Looks like the bartender took this," the ex-spy said. "Personally, I'm surprised he was able to get that up so fast, what with the effects of whatever it was in the air." He tried to sound nonchalant, but he couldn't stop the smallest bit of laughter from entering his tone.

"Erase it," Jack ordered. Then, as if realizing that Illya wasn't a member of his team and that he had no right to order him to do anything, he added, "Please."

The distinct sound of boots strode away, and a door slammed somewhere. "I'd better calm the beast," Ianto said. "Why don't you take care of that video, Uncle Illya?"

Illya nodded, preparing to prompt the program to remove the only evidence of Jack's singing from YouTube.

A hand on his shoulder stopped him. "Burn me a copy before you do," Ianto murmured in his ear. "Tosh knows how."

A sly grin decorated Illya's face. Well, maybe more than one copy…


	9. The Playing Happy Families Affair

The Men from TORCHWOOD

Author: Milady Dragon

Disclaimer: I don't own either Torchwood or Man from U.N.C.L.E. but I think they look pretty together.

Author's note: Here is your next chapter! Thanks to everyone who's had patience with the spotty updating, but I hope that will get better. Enjoy!

Also, there's a mention of a fuzzy snake-like creature in this; it's an homage to badly_knitted's Nosy stories, which are adorable! She posts over on Livejournal, so if you find yourself over there, you should check them out!

* * *

**Chapter Nine**

**The Playing Happy Families Affair**

After the day he'd had, all Ianto wanted to do was go back to the flat, curl himself around Jack, and forget that the world even existed.

Too bad he still had the family dinner to get through.

They'd rented a private room at the St. David's, in order to fit everyone in. Ianto was nervous as he and Jack entered the hotel, and it was all he could do not to pray for the night to go well. He just wanted to gain the Joneses' approval. They were important to Jack, and it would mean much more if they'd accept him.

Now he understood why Jack had been so nervous about meeting Ianto's uncles.

They hadn't even made it past the reception desk when someone was calling Jack's name. Together they turned, and Ianto couldn't help but see Martha in the older woman who was approaching. She had a bright smile on her face as she embraced Jack.

Jack returned the hug enthusiastically. "It's great to see you," he exclaimed. He pulled back just enough to look at her, but not enough to let her go. "Where's everyone else? And why are they leaving the most gorgeous woman in Cardiff on her own?"

The woman – Francine Jones, obviously – rolled her eyes, apparently used to Jack's ways. "Clive found the bar, Tom found Martha, and Tish is off making sure everything is perfect." Her eyes found Ianto, and she smiled. "I take it this is Ianto?" She was angling for an official introduction, and Jack obliged.

Ianto took her offered hand, hoping that his palms weren't sweating with the horrendous case of nerves that had landed on him like a rabid Weevil. "I'm glad to finally meet you," he said sincerely. "I've wanted to thank you, for being there when Jack needed you."

Francine's eyes turned sad, but it didn't last long when Jack wrapped an arm around her waist. "Jack is a good man," she answered. Her eyes once again changed, this time becoming calculating. "I really would like to get to know you better, Ianto."

Jack laughed. "Don't scare him off, Francine," he joked. "I kinda like having him around."

"Then it's a good thing I like being around," Ianto answered, shaking off his nerves as best he could. As long as Jack was there, it was going to be all right.

* * *

Ianto realized very early on in the evening that things could go very strange, very quickly.

It began with Rhiannon and her family.

They were the only ones in the room who didn't know that Jack and Ianto were with Torchwood. They also didn't know about the Uncles being former spies, or about Jack's immortality. And Ianto didn't dare get into the Year That Never Was, to explain the Joneses and how they came to unofficially adopt Jack into their family.

Everyone else, however, did.

Ianto had made a point of telling everyone invited that his sister and her family were ignorant of many of the possible topics of conversation that would have normally flowed freely in the room. It was somewhat noticeable when people would go quiet when any of them would approach, making for an uncomfortable time.

Rhiannon wasn't stupid.

In fact, she'd inherited their mother's discerning nature, even if she didn't have a lot of opportunity to use it outside of telling when either child – or Johnny – was up to something they shouldn't be.

So it shouldn't have been a surprise when Rhiannon interrupted Ianto's chat with Martha and Napoleon, grabbed him by the arm, and practically hauled him out of the room.

"All right," she said, once they were in the relative privacy of the hallway. She let go of Ianto, and planted her hands on her hips belligerently. "I get it, you have posh friends, and all that, but there's no reason for them to be rude!"

Ianto knew he was gaping like a fish. Of everything that might have happened, this hadn't even been in his top twenty. "Rhiannon," he managed to get his startlement under control, "they aren't being rude – "

She rolled her eyes at him. "Not being rude? We're practically being ignored, even by our own family! And those that aren't, go quiet when I try to join any conversation, or quickly change the subject. Okay, we might not be as educated or rich as everyone else but that doesn't give them the right to freeze us out!"

He should have seen this happening. Ianto belatedly realized he'd let his nerves get the better of him so badly that he'd completely failed to take into consideration that a roomful of people who should have known how to keep secrets would be so bloody _blatant_ about having them.

Maybe it was time to be honest with her. Their father had been so adamant about neither of his children knowing about their uncles' profession – despite Ianto finding out at a fairly young age – and that lesson had carried over into pretty much everything…not that Torchwood was something that Ianto felt comfortable discussing with his sister.

He sighed, gathering his thoughts…

"Is everything okay out here?"

They both turned. Uncle Napoleon had his head sticking out the door, looking at both of them appraisingly. Ianto motioned him over, and Napoleon joined them. "I think it's time we told Rhiannon," Ianto said.

Napoleon raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure about that?"

"I'm here, you know," Rhiannon snapped in what Ianto thought of as her 'mother' voice. "And tell me what, exactly?"

Ianto touched her arm gently, hoping to calm her a bit, then turned back to his uncle. "Yes, because you'd think a group of disparate people with a great deal of worldly experience could talk about other things besides what they aren't _supposed_ to, instead of falling into awkward silences every time Rhiannon shows up."

His uncle snorted. "Yeah, you'd think." He hooked his arm around Rhiannon's waist. "Why don't you get back in there with your guests, and I'll take care of the explanations?"

Ianto felt horribly relieved. "Are you sure?"

"Yes," Napoleon answered. "Why don't you ask Martha to join us? She can handle Jack's part of the story."

That made sense; Martha could be discreet, and would know just how much to tell. "All right. I'll send her and Johnny out."

He didn't miss his uncle's stifled sigh, and Ianto knew it was because of Johnny. He couldn't blame him; Johnny Davies had all the discretion of an inveterate gossip in a room full of working telephones and a phone book. Hell, his brother-in-law still called him 'gay-boy' even though it had been months since he'd introduced them to Jack. He didn't want to go into how many 'taking it up the arse' jokes he'd had to suffer through, either. It was a good thing that Johnny was actually afraid of the Uncles, or he'd have been killed in several interesting ways for saying that sort of thing around them. Ianto put up with it to keep the peace.

Ianto gave Napoleon a look, and his uncle nodded slightly. There wasn't anything they could do, since if they told Rhiannon they'd have to tell Johnny as well. And while Ianto wanted to keep his only sister out of his very dangerous life, she'd only keep banging away until he finally just avoided talking to her at all. That was something he really didn't want to do.

Damn their Russian stubbornness.

"Send them up to our room," Napoleon directed. "We won't be overheard or interrupted there."

Which was spy-speak for 'we swept the room for surveillance devices' and 'we set up our own in the hallway just in case'.

Uncle Napoleon steered a still pissed off Rhiannon away, leaving Ianto to heave a sigh of relief. Now he just had to get through the rest of the evening without anything from happening…

Famous last words, of course.

It wasn't until he'd spoken to Martha and got Johnny to go with her that he realized that Francine and Uncle Illya were chatting away quite happily in the corner.

For some reason, this scared him more than a roomful of Daleks.

They seemed to be getting along. This should have been a good thing, but Ianto knew his uncle too well, and from what Jack had said of Francine, he thought that for two such strong-willed individuals to be so cozy with each other that it had to be one of the signs of the Armageddon.

All he really needed was Bilis Manger and Abaddon to show up. That would make his life complete.

"What do you think they're talking about?" he asked Jack, taking a very large sip of his drink.

Jack's eyes followed where Ianto indicated. He shrugged. "Probably either about various ways to take down maniacal dictators, or sharing embarrassing baby stories."

Perhaps it said something about Ianto's experiences that it worried him more that they might actually be discussing any number of Ianto's youthful indiscretions than taking down evil masterminds.

Then he turned to Jack. "Wait…Francine knows stories about you as a kid?"

Jack shrugged, blushing faintly. "Well, it got boring in between being killed."

"And it doesn't bother you that she might be sharing those with my uncle?"

"I kept them clean!"

Ianto really didn't know what to say to that, so he took another hefty drink. Then he decided that getting drunk would be a really bad idea, especially after last night…

A sharp tugging on his jacket made Ianto look down. Mica was standing there, looking somewhat put out. It would have been adorable on any other six-year-old, but on Mica Davies – who had a full measure of her grandmother's Russian blood – it was downright scary. She was almost like a pint-sized, female Illya Kuryakin. "What is it, sweetheart?"

"When are we gonna eat, Uncle Ianto?" she asked petulantly. "Mam didn't make tea because she knew we were gonna have a big dinner."

Ianto wasn't hungry; his butterflies had completely filled whatever emptiness there had been in his stomach. But he could tell everyone else being ready to eat. "As soon as your Mam and Tad get back from talking with Uncle Napoleon," he answered. "It won't be much longer."

Mica thought about that, then nodded. "Can I sit with you and Uncle Jack?"

He glanced at Jack; his lover had the sappiest look on his face, so Ianto figured that Jack didn't mind being called 'uncle'. He wondered if Rhiannon had prompted Mica to say it. "If it's fine with your parents, it's fine with us."

The little girl smiled, losing the Kuryakin-ness from her features. Now she more closely resembled her own Tad. She hugged him. "Thank you, Uncle Ianto." She then moved to Jack, hugging him too. Ianto felt far too happy for his own good over it. "Thank you, Uncle Jack." She then released him, and practically skipped away.

"I think," Jack said, bemused, "that was quite the cutest thing I've ever seen."

"Even cuter than the large fluffy alien snake-thing we ran across not that long ago?" Ianto asked.

"Much cuter. At least Mica isn't addicted to your coffee. I still remember the time it ate all the coffee beans."

Ianto snorted. Jack may have a point…

"Jack…Ianto…"

Just when Ianto was starting to feel a bit relaxed.

He turned to face a smiling Francine. "Are you enjoying yourself?" Ianto asked politely.

"I am," she answered. "Your Uncle Illya is quite a storyteller."

That was what Ianto was afraid of.

She slipped her arm through Ianto's. "Why don't we have a little talk before dinner? I really would like to get to know you better, since you're about to become a member of the family…"

Ianto had faced a lot of dangerous things in Torchwood; hell, he'd survived Canary Wharf. But the prospect of being alone with Francine Jones was as close to freaking him out as nothing else had.

He hadn't been this terrified when he'd met Lisa's parents.

Ianto turned to Jack, wanting him to come up with something that would keep him from being given what would most likely be "The Talk" but it appeared that Jack had his own problems, in the form of his Uncle Illya.

They were being double-teamed.

It was so unfair.

Deciding that biting the bullet would be the best thing, Ianto smiled down at her. "I'd be delighted," he answered, trying to sound sincere.

Francine returned the smile, maneuvering him toward a quiet corner. "Illya has told me a few things about you – "

She was on a first-name basis with his uncle?

Ianto was doomed.

"– and I must say, he backs up things that Martha's told me," she went on. "It's also obvious that you make Jack very happy."

"That's all I really want to do," Ianto said, hoping she realized that he meant it. Jack's happiness did mean more to him than anything, and he fully intended on doing his best to make that happen, for as long as he could.

"Jack's been through so much, he deserves as much happiness as he can get," Francine replied. "I just want to make sure that you're really the one to give it to him."

"Jack seems to think I am," he commented, trying to keep it light but he had a feeling he didn't succeed very well. It was just that he hated people doubting him, and doubting his feelings for Jack.

Francine must have picked up on his defensiveness, because she suddenly looked as if she was a lioness about to pounce on a prospective meal. "Jack does love you; anyone can see that. But sometimes love isn't enough – "

"Francine," Ianto interrupted. He wasn't about to let himself be browbeaten into anything, and his stubbornness arose to the fore. "I understand that you care a great deal for Jack. Knowing what I do about that Year, I can certainly accept that you have a somewhat proprietary feeling toward him. But please know this: Jack's happiness is all that's important to me. I would do anything to keep him from being hurt, physically or emotionally…or by me, or something I do. I know that someday I'm going to leave him, but it will never be by choice. In fact I'll do anything in my power to keep that from happening. But I also won't let anyone stand in the way of my happiness as well, and right now that's being with Jack, for as long as I have. So please, just accept that I won't let anyone – even you – stop me from committing him, because that's what he wants…and that's what I want. What you want doesn't go into it."

And suddenly, Ianto wasn't so nervous anymore.

Francine was looking at him, an unreadable expression on her face. Ianto wasn't about to let it bother him; he'd said his peace, to the woman who'd adopted Jack into their family. He'd meant every word, and if she didn't accept it…well, he didn't want to think that.

Then Francine smiled, and she hugged him.

"Welcome to the family, Ianto," she greeted. "You'll fit in just fine."

Ianto hugged her back, realizing that this had been some sort of test.

And he believed a certain uncle was to blame.

Just wait until he had words with Uncle Illya…


End file.
